Have you experienced this feeling where time slows down, the mind gets blurred, the sounds get garbled, the heart starts thumping....?
No, I am not talking about falling in love.
I am talking about panic.
It was a normal grocery shopping trip. I was blithely strolling along the aisles, picking up my usual supplies like baby carrots, yoghurt, kadalai mittai when my brain executed one of its automated subroutines - of ordering my hand to go for the smartphone in my pant's front left pocket - and registered the empty space.
Of course, the rational part of me quickly killed the "panic". "It's just a stupid smartphone. It's not a big deal even if its lost" I told myself in a casual tone. May be the facts - that all my photos are synced in Google photos, that my WhatsApp is auto backed up, that everything else more or less is covered in my android sync - played a teeny tiny role in my bravado.
No. Scratch that. Those facts actually, completely, fully and holistically caused that machismo.
And I also realised, retrospectively, that I cut short my shopping adventure to be able to come home as quickly as possible to confirm the suspicion that I had, in fact, just left the phone home in the first place. So the usual swagger that I have when I am carrying my grocery bags, that day, concealed a meaningless, futile, childish and stupid fear.
Fear of losing a material possession which was completely replaceable with no impact whatsoever.
When I realised how silly that was, I tried to psychoanalyse myself and identify other such fallacies I may have. You know, because it's important to introspect and all that.
...Nah. Scratch that as well. I simply just have too much time and I get bored. (God! What is with my honesty spree here? I feel like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar)
Anyway, I realised that a lot of my hypothetical potential anxieties relate to losing something. Losing being the keyword. And something being a keyword as well. I don't know the point of those two sentences. But it sounds good. So let me just flow with it.
Fear of losing data connection on my phone, fear of losing my house key, fear of losing my wallet, fear of losing my passport and other such things. But those are on the mortal plane. What is horror film type scary? Fear of losing my identity (whatever that is), fear of losing my loved ones, fear of losing my life without realising that life is happening right now....
Now that I had anyway managed to scare myself witless I decided I should venture further and take this analysis to completion.So the next logical point was to explore what I might do if any of these fears come to pass. What if my phone is like the Padme to my Anakin and losing it might turn me to the dark side? That would be a fear materializing, leading to a reaction that I can't control, thereby leading to another fear, that of losing one's self-image, materializing. Aw hell.
So then I thought that maybe I should think of some hypothetical solutions. Hypothetical solutions because these were hypothetical fears to begin with right? I mean I can't seriously expect myself to actually do something in real for a potential hypothetical disaster. That is stupid.
Ah fine, scratch that. It is not stupid. I guess it is wise. But come on. I am busy. I have all these books to read and TV shows to watch. And besides, what am I supposed to do anyway?
"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose". Yoda's voice whispered in my head.
Yeah, Master Yoda? That's pretty convenient for you to say, you being fictional and all.
Anyway, the point is that that seems to be the only logical hypothetical solution. It is also supported by the countless cultures' and religions' emphasis on renouncing things or going off to the forest or meditating away the whole day etc.
Essentially to give up and chill.
The only problem with that hypothetical solution is that it sounds awfully close to being a wimp.
There is no way in hell, say, that I will throw away my smartphone now because I fear losing it. Besides, that whole solution sounds anti-capitalistic you know? The prudent thing would be to get whatever we can and then if we lose it, ah well, tough luck. But it is madness to throw something away.
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And That, That arrogant, ignorant voice that justifies all my fallacies, that mocks at possible solutions, that glares at all my rare glimpses of wisdom, that convinces me to do what is easy now...
That is why I am not a Jedi.
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