Worth

Noun: Worth

1. An indefinite quantity of something having a specified value

2. The quality that renders something desirable or valuable or useful

I should concede that many a times I am suddenly struck by a mundane thing. Struck me as in gets me day dreaming. Nothing injurious. Symptoms being a completely blank visage, the transformation of the sensory organs into obsolete vestigial masses and systems of cells, hands freely doodling on the notebook and a blissful indifference to the surrounding...er...to the lecture. Most times I am stupid. If you didn’t realise that the last sentence was the disclaimer then you are too. Well coming back to my stupidity, I have so much empty space inside my cranium that I just can waste so much time thinking (well I feel a little guilty for terming the process as “thinking” because “thinking” would have felt insulted. Fair enough actually. But then as I was typing it just came. May be “rambling” would be little more fitting.). The best thing about this is that it helps me to keep myself entertained. That is when I no longer feel entertained by all the things accessible that could entertain (like Wikipedia, comics, novels, movies, games etc). But I always have this backup plan. And the best thing about it is that it requires no external apparatus. And it has an automatic trigger mechanism. For instance one day I had to wear all this rain coat crap because it was raining heavily and I had to go to class.(I don’t usually bother wearing them on the way back home). But inspite of the zipper and bottons I found myself wet. That is highly irritating because I don’t like wearing them in the first place and It silly doesn’t serve its purpose fully anyway. Even when we are using an umbrella our feet and ankle and some inches of the pant above it all get wet. Possibly some parts of our shirt (or Top.I advocate equality. Honest) too. There is no way we can truly escape the rain. And it struck me that it’s probably why we use phrases like “...Shower love...”, “....shower affection...” We can’t avoid being impacted if somebody loves us. No matter how many layers we cover ourselves with something in us is going to get wet. Something will get wet. How we respond to it is not what I am talking about here. My point is simply that there is no way that we can be indifferent to it. Even if its indifference it is going to be a consciously forced indifference which probably defies the meaning of indifference anyway. Probably what I just said was pure crap. May be.

I always say that everything has to be deserved. Well I don’t seriously care about what it actually means but it helps to both justify myself and to console myself. (Say I have done some horribly expensive exam horribly pathetic my mind obviously tries to tell me that there is some chance sticking somewhere that I would clear it. But I tell myself I won’t deserve it anyway. So what’s the point? It helps actually. I don’t even feel that sad about flunking. I know. What I just said is that I not only have the insolence not to prepare for an exam but also that I don’t even feel remorseful or guilty or sad about it. )

But this deserving thing is inevitably done by all of us if I am allowed to guess so. Our minds automatically execute the mental formula that gives a final value of worth.

Is that shirt as good as this one?

Is that job worth the trouble of leaving home?

Is that person worth helping?

Is that person worth getting help from?

Can I pity myself now?

Can I pity that person?

Is this laptop worth the money?

Is this course worth the time?

The most curious thing is that this calculation is so confusing and complicated and subjective we don’t understand it when the same calculation goes on in another person’s mind. That is probably one of the reasons why everyone looks crazy to us.

Consider the following:

Many a times I have found that the guys at the bottom of the grade sheet always have the propensity to “help”. I put that in quotes because that help can be anything including something that may not be help. Taking a Xerox for me. Coming with me to get my cycle puncture repaired. Coming with me to the bank to pay fees. No. I know that sounded nothing unusual. But they do such things when say there is an exam the next day, when, with a high possibility, I wouldn’t have done it for them under the same circumstances. And no I am not great pals with them. But it’s the group of people with whom we share a mutual respect and acknowledgement. But nothing more than that. And they do it for everybody (I am no special exemption or anything). Why would they do it? What worth did they see?

I did this project at a lab during my btech and as it happened there were some 15 people like me who were all given accommodation at the same place. But I was the only one who had to work in the lab that was near the hostel itself and the others had to go someplace else. So even though it’s them who make my buddy group there I am not with them for the whole day. So apart from the lab mates I used to talk with the security guards and cleaners and assistants (because anyway we are the only ones there). I used to have all sorts of conversations with them. Particularly one security guard was my favourite. Possibly he found me likeable too. The weekends I used to go to my relatives’ place and whenever I return back he would always say that it was boring without me there. When I think about it I don’t think anybody ever has told me that.( “All words” ) One day I remember he gave me mangoes which he had got somewhere. (“Bah! Big deal. ).Possibly he gave others too. And then there was this other person who wanted to take a picture with all of us there who had come for doing projects and would be gone in some days. Why would they do it? What worth did they see?

Recently I had gone on this trip to someplace with some friends. One part of the trip involved boating and the shore of the lake where the boats are moored was marshy and muddy. So when we got on the boat the boat guy showed us specifically strategic locations to keep our foot in. And there were these kids there who are probably like helpers to the boat guys and they were basically helping the boat guys. So off we went on the boat. After a couple of hours we returned and one of those boys helped get the boat docked. And one of us got stuck in the mud. And in the process lost one slipper. And in the process of trying to retrieve it lost the other one too. Both the slippers were stuck in the slushy brown dirty mud. They were not even visible. Stuck under. And the person didn’t know what to do. We didn’t know what to do. Then this boy , shirtless and slipper less, nonchalantly walked up to the spot, stuck his hands into that same nauseating mud, pulled out the pair of slippers, threw them at the feet of the owner, then with the same indifference with which we give a beggar a coin, he walked back to the boat. Why would he do it? What worth did he see?

I could go on. And if you had read at least one of my previous posts then you would know that I could go on. And please don’t see what I am saying with respect to poverty or anything like that. It has nothing to do with it.

My point is simply that I (or we, if you relate to my point) would never get to understand others’ formula. So what? Well may be I (we) should sometimes recalibrate our own formulas.

Quite often somebody (like a friend...I should say that I am always very squirmish to use that “friend” word...I am just never able to correctly define it...are classmates friends? Sometimes; some of them; may be; I don’t know ;) says something that hurts. The natural response is to retort. The first thing that comes to my mind is whether that person is worth enough to me to let it pass without me retorting. Obviously with my people I wouldn’t even care because I would know they are as dependent on me as I am on them and whatever they do is out of the right they have on me. I am not talking about them because with them I wouldn’t even recognise it. I am talking about the peer group or whatever we call it. Acquaintances. What do we do? Is retorting worth it? Or is not retorting worth it?

Now compare it with the prospect of putting our hands into mud for a total stranger who is in all possible ways better positioned in this world. Our predominant reaction towards somebody better than us in anyway is probably envy or intimidation or insecurity or inferiority complex or if that person is an "acquaintance", affected appreciation. May be its worth the effort trying to recalibrate.

Many people have this idealistic notion that it is wrong to encourage beggars by giving them money. May be. May be not. But can anyone deny the fact that they don’t feel that slight happiness that comes out of the feeling that we have actually helped someone? May be it is an action arising out of what is called as “survivor’s guilt”. May be that action in some small unintended way shows a condescension that arises out of pity that arises out of our superior position in the scenario which is in no way related to our skills or talents. Yes. But may be that miniscule momentary reprieve that we could possibly provide is worth it.

“People deserve our love most when they least deserve it”. May be it is worth it.

May be those who don’t have are the ones who give because it is probably those who don’t have who know the worth.

Everything i just typed were clichés.

That brings me to my very first point. Things that are mundane suddenly strike me.

It strikes me because I realise they appeared mundane because I didn’t know its worth.

We always get wet in the rain. It’s just that we don’t notice it.